Originally written November 2007
I've walked past my drawings in progress every day since the project first began and I've cringed everytime I see them. I'd pick up the conte and draw here and there, but rarely for long.But buckling down and getting it done has made me focus on why I've avoided the task for so many weeks. It's so much easier to feel sorry for myself when I look at the paper. I don't feel sorry for myself. I can't. But I do. I've tried pushing that feeling away so often since September. I try to say I've distanced myself emotionally from my double vision and the therapy, but it all surfaces when I least expect it. Like looking at the Christmas tree my fiance and I just put up. I love that we get to do things like that together, but it doesn't make me feel good to look at the tree because all I see is lights. I see double the amount of what's on it and half are blurrier and bigger and they block the couple of ornaments I bought him that mean so much to me. I was driving down the road tonight...the first time I've driven down Main Street at night since the Christmas lights have been put up. They should be so pretty, but instead they just get in my way. The lights on the poles block part of the road and just mix with the lights of oncoming cars. Before therapy, fireworks were about the only lights I didn't like. (The other lights had bothered me too, just not quite as much) Fireworks aren't quite as pretty when they're so many lights that you no longer see the original design. I know the therapist said things will get worse before they get better, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. And there's no guarantee that there will be a "better."
I really don't like to draw. I'm pretty sure that's a recent development, but the feeling is so strong that I can't remember what it felt like to enjoy drawing. The only thing I've really drawn lately is for drawing class. I've always worked really close to my work, which means both images are fully focused. Drawing double means I see 4 of what I'm drawing. The longer I draw, the more I realize what I'm seeing...2 hands drawing 2 lines that equal 4 lines.
Please don't feel sorry for me. I've allowed myself to feel sorry for the night, but I don't want to extend that to anyone else. Deep down, I believe my disability/difference is no worse than what anyone else experiences. It's just a different experience.I suppose we all go through our sad moments.