Vision Exercises

Originally written November 2007.
The vision therapist had me hold a pencil out in front of me and slowly bring it towards my nose. I brought it towards my right eye instead. She pointed this out to me and had me do it again. I concentrated hard to bring it to my nose, but I brought the pencil towards my left eye this time. I don't know where the center of my face is! So now I've noticed anytime I think my face is centered with something (and I'm looking directly at it), my head is really turned slightly to the left so that I'm looking directly at it only with my right eye.

This is my sister wearing a pair of prism glasses from Vision Therapy.

The Ins and Outs

Originally written October 2007
I'm realizing more and more how little I know about what I see. For instance, with objects that are very near to me--the left eye's image will be on the right of the right eye's image. For distance objects, the left eye's image will be to the left or almost on top of the right eye's image. The result is that objects viewed from my left eye appear closer together than objects viewed from my right eye. I've never paid much attention to that detail.

It's also interesting being able to see through objects. For instance, one eye sees my hand and the other eye sees a different angle so I'm looking through my hand. It entertains me.

Thankful too. I was thinking today...I'm so thankful that I'm able to see. I'd much rather have my distorted vision than be completely blind. My sight and my sense of touch are the 2 senses that I'd be miserable without.

Tracing, Venting, and Remembering

Originally written in September 2007

I wrote out a few sentences (cropped them) and traced the double image. It was REALLY hard. I couldn't figure out which of the 2 markers I saw was suppose to be tracing the double part, and what I see out of my left eye is jumpy. It kept moving left and right, up and down. And then when I traced it, I saw 4 of each letter overlapping so now it's really a jumbled mess to me.

My mom says when I was 3 years old, I told her about a haze I saw around objects. When I was barely 5, I had my first visit to an opthalmologist. He had me cover one eye and tell him the image that was on a screen across the room. I did fine with my left eye covered. But I remember covering my right eye, and the doctor carried me across the room until I was nose to screen. Only then could I see the birthday cake image. He diagnosed me with amblyopia (lazy eye). It's a miracle that it was discovered early, or else today I would be completely blind out of my left eye and it would wander wherever it wanted to go. The doctor wanted to start patching right away. My glasses would not arrive for another week, so I went to kindergarten with a patch over my good eye and no glasses to help my see out of my bad eye. I was so scared that I made my mom stay in the school's office for the first few days. I was embarrassed too. A patch over my eye made me stick out like a sore thumb among my peers. I remember having to learn some things more quickly than my classmates in order for school to be easier. There was a number chart going across the room that counted the number of days we had been in school. Each day, another number was added. I couldn't see the numbers so I had to memorize them. (I'm actually thankful for this because now I have a great short-term memory when it comes to memorization exercises)

I also remember coming home from school after the first day I had worn the patch. I sat on the couch snuggled close to my mom and we both cried. I remember struggling emotionally many times after that, but my mom claims I never talked about it. She says that after that one day when I cried, I never complained about my vision again. By third grade, the eye doctor said nothing more could be done for me and I could quit patching. I had accepted that my eyes would not be perfect and I'd always see double. It was years later before I found out the doctor did not believe me when I said I saw double. Until I was 19, I was labeled as having "shadow vision." When I showed my doctor the thumb drawing, he finally believed me. But he still said nothing could be done for me.

I began researching vision therapy and found a therapist who wanted to take me on as a patient. She said a lot of "maybes, possiblies, and mights" but she seems excited for the challenge, as my eyes seperate the images more than most of her diplopia patients. She claims she's told many people about me already. But it's so much more than attempting to fix my double vision. There are so many emotions that I shoved under a rug when I was told nothing could be done for me. Now that there's a glimmer of hope, that rug seems to have disappeared. I feel like I'm 5 years old again. I'm working to find the same strength I found then, but this time I understand more. I know about the complications and obstacles I'll face if the therapy does not work. I know the problems I've already encountered, and I've tried to imagine many years ahead of me with the same problems. I haven't been able to just cry once and be done with it.

I need more than just a therapist

Originally written September 2007
I started vision therapy a week ago. It's too soon for the double vision to be helped, but the therapy is forcing me to see the double image. I know I'm not really clear on this point...I've ALWAYS seen double, but the therapy is forcing me to SEE it. That probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. The double image is alway there. It never goes away. But the therapy has gotten me to study what I see...to understand the intricacies of it.
For almost 20 years, I have tried to suppress what I see out of my left eye. Now the therapist is working to reverse that. I suppose it's a good thing, at least it is for drawing class. It's easier to observe and sketch my double vision if I'm not trying so hard to not see it.But it was really interesting driving the other day. It was pouring rain and I was lost. The cascade of rain made my lack of depth perception even more obvious. I had just begun getting used to paying attention to what I see out of both eyes instead of just one, so the double lines, double truck, and double steering wheel kind of messed with my head. I was ready for the song Jesus Take the Wheel because I sure didn't want to be in the driver's seat right then.

Drawing

Thumbs

March 2005

Before this class, I had drawn double only 3 times. This was the only one that came out fairly accurate.

What if I don't see double?

Originally written September 2007
God broke down a wall last night at church. The sermon was on dealing with the devil and fighting what the enemy puts in our way. At the end, Preacher said "I'm going to obey God. Whoever can, come down here to the altar and pray." I went down and began a simple prayer. Suddenly I was pouring out my heart about vision therapy, snotting all over the carpet. I've put up a strong front since the day me and Momma cried on the couch in Kindergarden over the patch I had to wear. I've had my frustrations and fears since then, but I've done well pushing them aside. I see double and I'll deal with it. The doctors had told me there was no way to fix it. I've compensated for it for this long, so I can go the rest of my life without too many major issues over it. Then we find a vision therapist that cannot believe my eye doctor did not try any kind of treatment. (I found out too late that one reason my old doctors didn't try anything was because they didn't believe me. Apparently they had never encountered a patient that sees double. I finally brought in a drawing and one said "You DO see double!") The therapist said a lot of mights, maybes, and possiblies, but it was the first time there had been a glimmer of hope.
I didn't realize how much I would love to have single vision and yet see out of both eyes until yesterday. (One solution the doctor mentioned was to train my brain to ignore my left eye. I would see single but be blind out of my left eye. Ummm...no thanks). It really is a desire of my heart.
I was expressing a few doubts to Shaun about how likely it would be for the therapy to correct my vision. He shushed me and said it will work because they'll be praying for me. It did not hit me until then that it's something I need to be praying about. It's going to take a miracle from the hand of God for the therapy to work.
I can trace back to elementary school my trait of not getting my hopes up. I've trained myself not to get my hopes up about anything so that I won't be disappointed. If something goes well, I'm ecstatic. If it goes wrong, oh well. But how can I have faith that God will heal me without getting my hopes up and setting myself up for the possibility of a HUGE disappointment?
I can't really imagine it -- I'd be able to see depth perception. (The doctor says I see in a 2D, flat dimension. I see like an artist would paint or draw...by following depth cues such as an object farther away is higher and smaller on the picture plane.) I could read without feeling nauseous. I wouldn't have such a hard time driving at night because I won't see double the amount of lights. My reading efficiency might jump to college level instead of a 6th grade level. My left eye might not cross when objects are too close. I'd love to have all of that. I won't pity myself or be mad at God if I see double forever. But wouldn't a correction of vision by an incredible testimony?

I'm scared.

I've Seen Double for 23 Years

This blog originally began as an assignment for Senior Drawing class in college. I had decided to spend the semester drawing what I see (double) and was required to keep a blog about my progress. I began vision therapy around the same time, which brought up a lot of suppressed emotions. I won't say art was my therapy in working through those emotions, but the vision exercises worked alongside my art to help me understand my "disability."
The majority of this blog will be pieces I have cut from the old blog. You get all of the good stuff without the boring "class talk" that had to be included.